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At peace with the not knowing

I’ve been patiently waiting for clarification regarding the direction of my life. Inside of me lives the essence of infinite possibility, and on the most visceral level, I do realize this and actually *feel* this energy. I know I’m destined for great things. And as the years tick by, I’ve become impatient and borderline obsessed with doing *something*!!

I tell my mind: “Relax. Just go with what *feels* right at the time, and you will be exactly on your life course. Things are being created that I don’t even know to ask for! How can I ‘visualize’ and ‘attract’ a specific thing into my life when the possibilities are infinite?” Does one just choose something, and try to MAKE it the “right thing?” Because, without the knowledge of all things, it is not *possible* to just make a decision.


And now that I’ve had time to really calm down and breathe, I realize that William wasn’t saying anything new or unknown to me. He is simply “reminding me” that we can do this. And since my “protests” and “reservations” were based in fear, everything is crystal a bit more clear now that those factors have diminished. I have never worried (excessively) about money, and certainly never have I not achieved a goal *because of* lack of money. Nothing has changed so no need to worry about it now.


I have taped to my bathroom mirror a short passage that essentially instructs me to “be at peace with the not knowing.”


I see other people doing their thing, and I feel “behind” and “unfocused.” My mind tells me that “I need to make a decision and stop floating from idea to idea without really getting involved in any of them.”


‘Just make a decision’ then ‘just do it.’ Or put another way, ‘just decide what you want, then go for it!’ This philosophy has served me well so far. So I had to take pause and sort out why this advice didn’t seem to apply to my life right now.


Making a decision to try something (as I’ve always made these decisions) is not difficult. I’ve “decided” to pursue (loosely, because that’s how it always begins…gradually) many potential ideas. Nothing felt “right” but/and everything felt “right.” Everything I considered was ‘logical’ and I’d be okay doing, but the pieces just didn’t come together as I began walking the path. The great thing is, in paying close attention to *inner* guidance (or is that wishy-washiness?), I didn’t have to take more than a step or two (or in the case of toxicology, a few more than a few) before it became (kinda) clear that I was not going in the right direction. And as gratifying as it may be to eliminate things NOT to do from the list, it becomes increasingly frustrating to see others develop an idea that I had…that seemingly went nowhere when I started down that path.


“Be at peace with the not knowing.” You can’t cognitively *know* because as a human, your knowledge based is very limited. You must know yourself enough to participate in life in such a way that brings you peace and joy. Day to day, you must make decisions that allow you to enjoy the things you enjoy. Doing this keeps you on the path. And along that path, you pick up a things/experiences/people/whatever that help you on subsequent legs of the journey. Sometimes you have to jettison some stuff (as you’ve learned/used/no longer need it). And you keep stepping. Sometimes you can’t see past your immediate circumstances. But other times you can see/feel the good that the future has in store.


For me, I think this is one of those times!


It started with a groupon for a new local yoga studio. I’d been hoping for a new yoga studio to open near my home since the current stock just didn’t fit the bill for me. Either the times were off, or the classes were not appropriate at the times I want to go, or the style was no longer conducive for relaxation. So, I was excited to see this groupon. I actually made plans to attend that evening – even though I don’t usually go to yoga when the family is all home (as it takes time away from the family and I could just as easily go during the day when they’re at school). And I was inspired. There were so many things I enjoyed…but very few of them actually had to do with this particular studio.


There was the instructors list. The child-care option. The Yogi soy chi. The scented heat packs. The water feature. The blankets. The organic co-op. The (idea of) community formation, lifestyle support, and even discussions about issues pertinent to “granola” living. I liked all that.


What was lacking was aesthetics (which is actually a big deal at a relaxation studio). I didn’t think the space appeared “finished.” The children’s section was in the ex-storeroom, and it wasn’t that far from still being a storeroom. The temperature wasn’t controlled, and the studio was not separate from the front entry-way. The space wasn’t large enough, and there were no mirrors on the walls to check your form, or better see the instructor. There was no signage. And the location was not great.


At the end of the day, it’s a decent yoga place (for now). The reason one would continue to go to this place over other places is the ‘community’ aspect. But the community will not likely get large enough to sustain (on its own) the studio. If the ‘community’ can grow and develop into a bona-fide crunchy coop of sorts, then the yoga will only be a small part, and really what’s being exchanged is something more than the yoga.


That’s what I’m thinking about doing! Less granola, more upscale, more health based/wellness and even slightly medicinal (because that’s what’s going to set me apart from just any ol’ studio).


Anyway, that’s how I feel today. Optimistic, like there’s a void to fill – and yoga (although appearing to be a large part is really) a small piece. How can I make this happen. Is this where I’m supposed to go to realize my heart’s desires. I’ve been open. I’ve been patient. I’m excited to think that this, this may be it.


My revelation.