Let’s Talk About SEX
When it comes to having sex, the teen years are typically full of anxiety and misunderstandings. See, the thing about having sex is this: simple things become complicated. And this complication is multi-factorial.
Friendships become distorted.
Childhood friendships are quite simple. You and your friend (whether a girl or a boy) can talk, and laugh. You enjoy each others company, and can honestly share the details of your life, your thoughts, and not worry about judgment, “sounding stupid” or offending.
Once you have sex with boy who was a friend, things become “weird.” You suddenly can’t “say” certain things. Girl friends start to become jealous, and may possible try to have sex with the guy you had sex with. Then, you become jealous of any other female friend your boy friend may have.
Women have come a long way with regards to equality and progressiveness. But, we are still different than men. And one major way we are different is: women are more emotional and heartfelt in relationships in general. When a woman has sex with a man, it’s like she is “receiving” him into her very being. While men may have “casual sex,” women cannot.
Women tend not to open their legs for just anybody. There’s actually a screening process, and once a man is “deemed worthy” there’s a real chance of becoming “more emotionally attached.” And that’s by design. If the woman had no standard, how would genetic screening take place?
So before you have sex with someone, you have to be ready emotionally. Because the relationship will change. You will start to like this guy more and more. You will start doing things to get his attention (wearing clothing he likes, flirting with him). And when he doesn’t care about you, or notice you, it will sting. When he wants sex, behind closed doors, he will be nice and nurturing. But when he’s out in public, at school, with his friends, he ignores you. This only happens, after he gets sex from you.
Your best friend group may change if other girl friends are suddenly jealous of you, or begin to like “your guy.”
You need to be sure about the person you’re having sex with because most guys are only really interested in SEX; and bragging about how many women they’ve slept with. They will say *anything* to you to get you to open your legs. They will tell you they love you. They will tell you how pretty you are. They may even come to your rescue and publicly compliment you. They will buy you things. They will listen to you chatter on the phone for hours on end. They will do this…even if they don’t really want a relationship with you. They will do this because they want to have sex. And after they get it once, they will brag to their friends about how “easy” you are. And you will look like a slut. You will feel like a slut. And no other guy will take you seriously because now you’ll have a “reputation” for being “easy” and a slut. So, many, many guys will want your phone number…and you won’t know if it’s because they really think you’re special, or just for sex.
Then what happens if you get pregnant? A baby will change everything. You will miss out on a significant “carefree” portion of your late childhood. Instead of your biggest concern being which college to apply to, or which dress to wear to prom; you’ll be worried about the safety of your baby, and money for food to feed your baby. You’ll have a young baby-daddy who is in no position to be a good father. And your child will have to grow up dealing with two parents who were not ready or able to really do the job well.
Worse than pregnancy, what if you get HIV/AIDS. Men/boys don’t walk around with tattoos telling you whether or not they are sick. They, themselves, may not even know until they’ve spread it to many young women. There is no cure for AIDS. And obtaining healthcare is impossible in this day and age with a disease like that.
Once you start having sex you’ll have to check yourself for possible STDs. You’ll have to look in the mirror at your vagina. You’ll have to notice any abnormalities, leakage/drainage that is not normal. Spots, bumps, ulcers, warts, anything “weird.” And, if you find something, you’ll have to be ready and willing to go to a physician and have an exam and pap smear. You have to be ready to spread your legs wide open on a cold table, while your feet are in metal stirrups, and a physician (usually male OB/Gyns are “more gentle” than females) will insert a plastic or metal speculum into your vagina while they brush your cervix, and get Q-tip swabs of any discharge. This doesn’t hurt, but it is uncomfortable. And if you have sex, this is all necessary to keep yourself healthy.
Also, you have to be strong enough, and old enough, to have an aura about you to demand that a man put on a condom. You cannot be bashful about looking at his penis and scrotum for evidence of disease (such as sores, lumps, rashes, ulcers, leakage from the penis). You have to discuss HIV/AIDS (possibly getting tested together) and pregnancy possibility prior to sex (as in before any clothes ever come off).
If you cannot do all of these things, you are not ready for sex. Because even with a condom, disease and pregnancy are a possibility since nothing is 100%.
So you think you're ready for sex? What next?
Analyze your relationship with your partner.
He’s agreed to “going together” (being your only boyfriend, and you his only girlfriend – and it’s not a secret!) You’ve made him wait, and he has done so (somewhat) patiently. He has not had sex with anyone else (to your knowledge) while you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He treats you well in front of his friends. He holds your hand or otherwise demonstrates he really does like you OUT IN PUBLIC, at school, or at social events. He also treats you well in private – listens to you, talks to you, laughs with you. Everyone acknowledges that you are a couple. And you’re happy with him.
You think you are ready to accept the responsibility, the risks, and the emotional roller-coaster of a sexual relationship. You are comfortable enough asking him to use a condom, and willing to walk away if he doesn’t. You understand that there’s a chance you could get pregnant no matter what, and are willing to deal with that if it happens (and not try to hide it for months without prenatal care or putting yourself into a situation of trying to get a late/dangerous abortion). You are comfortable looking at your vagina, and are okay with going to the doctor for examinations if something seems abnormal. It helps if you have your own bank account and/or access to some small sums of money – so you can financial support yourself as it relates to reproductive health: paying for contraception, physician exams, treatments, and even exercise your right to choose pregnancy termination.
Discussions have taken place.
You’ve discussed with him what this relationship means to you, what sex means to you, and advised him not to brag or share the experience with friends. And he agrees to your terms (in general) with regard to location, timing, and how far you go and when.
If you are in a relationship that meets this criteria, and feel you are able to deal with any consequences – then you may be ready to proceed. But only then.